


chasing dreams (and memories)

by PenofaPolski



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars - The Rise of Skywalker, Star Wars Sequel Trilogy
Genre: Baby Solo, Ben Solo Deserved Better, Except maybe not?, F/M, Finn and Poe are only semi-good at this whole government thing, Finn has the Force and yet still remains oblivious, Poe Dameron - Freeform, Post-TRoS, Pregnancy was invented by Men (TM), Rey & Rose Tico Are Best Friends, Rose Tico will FIGHT A MAN for Rey, SPOILERS ABOUND, Yet another "Fix-It Fic"
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-12-23
Updated: 2020-05-16
Packaged: 2021-02-25 22:07:17
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 4
Words: 17,664
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21912652
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/PenofaPolski/pseuds/PenofaPolski
Summary: If this was living... then it wasn't worth living anymore.-------------Almost a year after the events on Exogol, Rey hides away on Tatooine, still grieving the loss of Ben Solo. Her nights are plagued with bad dreams and memories of the events that took her from him, except for one night. One night is all she gets with him before the cycle of grief begins anew, one night in her dreams to spend with the man she loved with every fiber of her being.But is it truly a dream? Or is there something deeper at work?
Relationships: Kylo Ren/Rey, Rey/Ben Solo | Kylo Ren
Comments: 15
Kudos: 53





	1. Sweet Dreams Are Made of These

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Rey has a dream on Tatooine, and everything in her life has suddenly changed.

What was it like, to be happy? Rey honestly couldn’t remember the last time she’d been able to identify her emotions as joyful or happy or even _positive_. Not since Exogol. Not since he died. 

The war was over! The Resistance had won! The holonews had blared out the announcement for weeks following the defeat of Palpatine at Exogol. Her friends had been ecstatic, eager to get the galaxy back to a state of peace. 

She wished that she could join in their revelry. 

Instead, she retreated to Tatooine. Luke had told her that it would be best if she went there to bury his and Leia’s lightsabers. No one needed the old legacy anymore. It was time to forge a new legacy in the Force, teach people about the delicate balance between Light and Dark. Rey had agreed, begrudgingly, but it almost wasn’t worth it. 

Nothing was really worth it anymore. 

“Rey,” Luke said softly, watching her as she went about her training routine. She ignored him; if she stopped for too long, if she allowed herself time to _think_ , she would sink into sadness once more. It was getting harder and harder to pull herself out as time went on. It was supposed to get _easier_ , right? “Rey, this isn’t healthy.” 

“What’s not healthy?” She grumbled, reluctantly stopping to take a swig of water and wipe the sweat from her brow. “I’m completely _fine_. Totally healthy.” 

“Rey.” Luke’s voice was still soft, insistent, and Rey lowered her saberstaff with a sigh. “It’s been almost a year. You need to move on.” 

“You act like it’s so easy,” Rey scoffed, though she was mortified as her eyes began to well up with tears at the reminder. Almost a year since Exogol. Almost a year since Ben Solo had given up his life for hers. Almost a year since they’d kissed and then he promptly disappeared into the Force. 

It wasn’t _fair_. 

“I’m not saying it’s easy,” he corrected softly. “But you haven’t tried to move on. Not even remotely.” 

“Huh. I wonder why that is.” Rey rolled her eyes. “Oh, wait, I know why. It’s like there’s an _empty void_ where Ben Solo used to be, a festering wound that won’t seal itself and start healing no matter what I do!” 

“Rey.” The grizzled Jedi Master looked exasperated, though his features were softening with understanding. “Rey, I can see that.” 

“Yeah, but you don’t understand. Not really.” She let out a sigh and rubbed her hands over her face, trying (and failing) to keep her tears at bay. “You don’t know what it’s like to have someone be in your head all the time and then...not.”

“You’re right. I can’t know. I wasn’t lucky enough to have that.” The older man smiled wryly. “But you have to accept that he’s gone, Rey. He’s not coming back.” 

“So you say,” she muttered, wiping at her eyes furiously before returning to her forms. “If you’re not going to be helpful, then just...go away. Please.” Her voice wavered, and her cheeks turned a dark shade of red. She didn’t have to look to know when Luke begrudgingly allowed his form to fade into the air. She continued with her forms until the first of Tatooine’s suns touched the horizon. She thumbed off her saberstaff and settled up against the side of the former Lars estate, watching the sunset with tears streaming down her face. 

So much left unsaid. So much that she could’ve done. So much _time_ she’d wasted, waiting for her Ben to come back to her after the throne room. She’d waited a _year_ , and she’d gotten only a kiss and that _kriffing_ goofy grin before he’d disappeared into the Force. 

It wasn’t _fair_. 

When dusk had well and truly settled on Tatooine, she forced herself to stand and duck into the house. She would normally make her humble dinner of steamed vegetables, but tonight she was too worn out emotionally to even attempt to make her simple dinner. Instead, she climbed into the bed, pulled her knees to her chest, and wept until she fell asleep. 

While most people were able to escape from their troubles and fears in their dreams, Rey was not one of those lucky people. Instead, her dreams were plagued by that one last moment on Exogol, the one final moment that she got with him before he was cruelly ripped away from her. After she had watched him fade, she had quickly gathered up his clothes. If nothing else, _someone_ needed to remember him. 

Time passed, and yet nothing has changed. She’d gotten herself to Tatooine as soon as she could to bury the lightsabers. She’d seen Luke and Leia standing to the side as she’d declared herself a Skywalker, looking on with pride and love. She’d been so hopeful she’d see him there, it had been physically painful when he hadn’t shown up. 

Why hadn’t he showed up? Even Luke, with all his knowledge of the Force, seemed to be at a loss. The Force hadn’t showed him those answers, he’d explained with a sad smile as he watched his last apprentice break down in tears. Not even he was privy to the whims of the Force. 

If she could just get through the year, she’d told herself, then everything would be better. She’d heal. She’d survive. She’d keep living. 

If this was living… then it wasn’t worth living anymore. 

When she awoke the next morning, she went about her routine: she got up, she washed her face, she started making her breakfast of caf and gruel, and then she grabbed Ben’s clothes to meditate over while her food was cooking. She settled in the open space as the rays of the sun started to glow over the horizon, folding her legs beneath and closing her eyes. She buried her face in the rough fabric, inhaling sharply as if trying to remind herself of what he had smelled like. If she allowed herself to drift in the Force, she could remember how it had felt, for his hand to rest on her stomach and for his lips to brush up against hers. 

She didn’t allow herself to think about it too much. Otherwise, the tears would start again, and she would come out on the other side even worse than she’d gone into it. She knew that the others were worried about her: Luke, Leia, Finn, Poe, all of her friends. She didn’t _mean_ to worry them, to make them hurt, but none of them had ever experienced a broken Force bond.  
After her meditation, she begrudgingly folded his clothes, with more tenderness and care than she’d ever shown any of her sentimental objects, and then laid them on the end of her bed, as if they were laid out for a husband by his loving wife for when he got home. A lump rose in her throat at the not-so-subtle reminder that he wasn’t coming back, and she stalked to the kitchen for her caf and gruel before she could lose herself to her emotions. 

Living on Tatooine was so much like living on Jakku and yet so different, she thought as she headed out to check on the moisture vaporators. They’d remained untouched for almost forty years, and yet she’d been able to replace the broken parts to get them up and running again. Moisture farming was, unsurprisingly, a big market on Tatooine. She’d never been this rich. She’d never even held _credits_ before she left Jakku. She was able to eat actual food, trading her water for the resources she needed to keep her body going. She was even able to treat herself to nice, breathable fabrics designed to help her stay cool while she worked on the moisture vaporators. 

Sometimes, the only thing keeping her sane was the mindless work of fixing the vaporators and collecting the moisture from them to store. If she didn’t have the work, she would probably be lying beneath the surface, dead but reunited with the man she loved more than anything else. She’d entertained the thought more than once, that perhaps she should just let herself die and meet him in the Force. It would be easier that way, she reasoned, and she wouldn’t be so alone. The only thing that was keeping her here was the knowledge that her friends would be _devastated_ if she died. 

Thinking about her friends reminded her that Finn and Rose were due to come and visit her soon. That thought eased the sadness that constricted her heart, made her feel something closer to happiness, though it was still a ways off. If they were coming, she would need to make sure she had enough water to trade for food for them. They wouldn’t stay for too long, as they were both busy with reconstruction in the aftermath of the war, but she still preferred to be overprepared. 

She hoped that, this time, she’d be able to get through seeing them together without crying and trying to persuade them that she was fine. The last time she’d seen them, it had been three months after Ben’s death. Seeing how happy they were together, seeing how much in _love_ they were, had struck a nerve by reminding her of what she would never have. In the end, they’d left early with sad but knowing smiles as she wiped at her eyes and assured them that she would be fine. 

By the time she was finished working for the day, she was more exhausted than usual, even more exhausted than she’d been the day before. She skipped dinner again to head to her bed, hesitating for only a moment before pulling on Ben’s tunic over her head. She fell asleep with the memory of his scent in her nostrils and the feeling of his hand on her stomach. 

When Ben showed up in her dreams again, she prepared herself for the worst. She knew what was coming; he would revive her and give up his life for her after they shared a romantic kiss where she was, for a brief moment of time, _happy_ again. 

If only that was the case. 

“Hey, you,” he murmured lowly, that crooked grin on his lips that she had adored so much. She was startled for a moment, but then he was beckoning for her to come closer, and how could she deny him of that? She stepped closer, easily leaning up against his chest and giving him a watery smile. “Why the long face? Did you miss me that much?” 

“Of course I did,” she mumbled, pressing her face into his chest and breathing in deeply. He smelled just as she remembered: something that was warm and spicy and felt like _home_ . “I miss you _so much_.” She sighed and wrapped her arms around his waist, feeling safer as he wrapped his arms around her in return. 

“Miss me? I’m right here.” There was that unguarded and boyish smile again, the one that made her knees weak and her heart race in his chest. “What’s to miss about me?” He ducked his head before she could answer and claimed her lips with his own. Against her will, she began to cry, and he pulled back in alarm. “Sweetheart? You okay?” 

_Sweetheart_. Somehow, the endearment sounded exactly like something he would say, and she couldn’t help but smile and nod her head. This was a gift, perhaps from the Force, and she wasn’t going to waste it by crying instead of getting this happy moment with the man she loved. 

“Yes, Ben, I’m… I’m fine.” She sniffed and stood on her toes, claiming his lips again, to his delight. For a moment, it felt like the bond was humming and warm again, and she ignored the logic that tried to remind her that this wasn’t real, that this was just a _dream_. “I’m okay. Really.” 

“If you say so.” His lips lingered on hers for a moment longer, and then they were pulling away to trail along her cheek, then down her neck. She shifted in his embrace and let out a shivering gasp. He started to lift his head again, but she laced her fingers into his hair and determinedly pulled him down, keeping his face pressed into her neck. 

“Keep doing that. It feels good.” She sighed as he resumed the trail of kisses along her neck. She closed her eyes and allowed him to guide her to the bed, falling into it and looking up at him with a tender smile. He was looking down at her as if he were a man in a desert, desperate for a drink of water. She furrowed her brow. “What?” 

“You look good,” he murmured, plucking at the collar of the tunic she’d thrown. “Stealing my clothes, you little thief?” He chuckled and pressed a gentle kiss to her lips to placate her. “I think the best place for this would be the floor.” He painstakingly peeled the tunic off of her, and she shivered at the heat in his gaze. 

When he came back down for another kiss, she decided to just enjoy this gift from the Force. She’d get this one last time to be with her love, and then… then she could start the healing process. Then she could start to let him go. Maybe… Maybe she’d finally be able to move on. 

As lips and hands started to wander over inches of skin that was slowly exposed bit by bit, that thought disappeared from her mind entirely. How could she delude herself into thinking that she could ever let go of this man? No, as long as he lived on in her memory, she would _never_ be able to get over him. 

As they lay curled up together, sated and spent, she could feel his breath on the back of her neck. It felt so _real_ that she was starting to doubt this was even a dream after all. Maybe the hurt and the pain was the dream, and this was her reality. In this kinder reality, she could imagine herself being a dutiful wife, perhaps spending her days fixing their machines while he went and worked some menial job. He would always come home and dote on her, make her feel special and loved. 

Maybe… Maybe in this universe, they would have children, the family that Rey had always craved but had never had. Sure, her friends in the Resistance were family, but it wasn’t the same kind of family that she imagined having with Ben. It wasn’t even remotely the same. She wanted the romance, the tension, the fights, the worries, the love-making, _all_ of it. 

When she thought that she might have to leave this, she burst into tears. She could feel his lips at the back of her neck, trying to soothe her, but it wasn’t enough to help her forget Exogol, to forget how he’d sacrificed himself for her. He wasn’t really here, the logical part of her brain reminded her, and that caused her to wake up just as the sun was beginning to rise over Tatooine again. 

In the grief that she felt, the grief at being gifted one last night with her beloved Ben before being torn from him once more, she failed to notice how her clothes lay strewn about the floor, nor did she notice how her legs ached. In her mind, the only thing she could see was his crooked grin as they pulled away from each other on Exogol before he went limp and disappeared into the Force. 

When she finally got dressed for the day, she simply made herself a cup of caf and downed it before heading out to work on the moisture vaporators. If she were lucky, she’d see Luke or Leia while she was working. Maybe they could cajol her into training again, so she slung her saberstaff against her back and went to work, laboring under the sweltering suns of Tatooine as she tried to forget the seemingly-merciful dream that she’d had. 

“Rey,” Leia called, and she stopped what she was doing to turn and face the woman that she considered to be her mother. Even if she and Ben had never _technically_ gotten married, Leia would always be the mother figure in her life that she’d been denied, thanks to Palpatine. She shuddered and pushed all thoughts of that evil and disgusting man out of her mind. He’d already taken so much from her; she wasn’t keen on remembering any more of that. 

“Leia.” Rey set her toolkit down in the sands and moved to stand closer to the older woman, trying to put on a brave face and failing miserably. Before she knew it, she was bursting into tears, and Leia sighed before moving closer to rest a gentle hand on Rey’s shoulder. It was always weird, to feel the pressure of a hand touching her but lacking all of the warmth of a living human being. 

It reminded her of the bond in the early days, before the throne room, before he’d retreated to the shell known as Kylo Ren and she’d returned to her role as a scavenger girl abandoned to the Jakku desert to make a living. She pushed the thought aside, simply embracing Leia as best as she could, always fearful that her hands would go through the woman. 

“Tell me what troubles you, child,” the older woman crooned in her low voice, and Rey could do nothing except spill her guts, telling Leia all about her dream. 

“I saw him again last night,” she sniffed, wiping at her eyes and shaking her head at Leia’s quizzical look. “No, it… it wasn’t a nightmare. It was a dream. A… a very good dream.” Despite her tears, she could feel the heat creeping across her cheeks, and it was suddenly very difficult to look the woman in the eye as she recalled what it was _exactly_ that she had gotten up to in her dreams last night with Ben. “But it hurt so much worse because it was good. It… It gave me hope that he was… he was still _here_ with me.” 

“Oh, Rey…” Leia sighed and gave her a sad smile. “I know you miss him. We all do. He’s… He was my boy. Luke’s nephew. We all wish he were here. I hate to see you so sad. But…” 

“Let me guess. I need to move on?” Rey scoffed and put some distance between herself and Leia. “I need to let him go? You _know_ I can’t do that, Leia.” 

“Rey, you need to be reasonable.” She could sense that the older woman really just wanted to help, but in that moment, she couldn’t feel anything but anger. How _dare_ she? “He’s not coming back.” 

“So what if he doesn’t? You want me to just...just _forget_ about him, as if he were nothing?” Rey didn’t care that she was raising her voice; there was no one around for miles to complain about it. “You want me to treat him as if he were a nobody, just someone out of millions that died in the war?” She could sense that she had struck a nerve when Leia visibly flinched, and she felt that overwhelming guilt eating up her stomach. 

How did the saying go, again? Hurting people hurt people? Something like that. 

“That’s not what I’m asking you to do,” Leia began slowly. “Force knows I’m not asking you to do that with my own son. I don’t want to forget him, and I don’t want _you_ to forget him.” She smiled wryly. “That would be like trying to forget Han after he passed on, or Luke. It… It wasn’t possible.” She sighed. “I just… We worry about you, Rey. You aren’t processing your grief. You’re still stuck in denial, always hoping that he’ll pop up around the corner and return to your life. He isn’t.” 

“I…” Rey looked down at the sands, glaringly bright under the harsh suns. “I feel like it’s… it’s doing him a disservice, to forget about him, to move on.” 

“I’m not asking you to forget,” Leia corrected gently. “Just move on. That’s all. Keep living. Put one foot in front of the other.” 

“It feels like I’m still drowning,” Rey said in a voice so soft she wasn’t sure the older woman heard her. “Like it’s still so fresh, so raw. The empty void in my heart _aches_ when I think about him.” 

“Oh, Rey… I know exactly what that feels like. When Han died…” 

“But you didn’t have a bond with Han,” Rey replied with more than mild frustration. This was what she had grown to dislike as time moved on. Everyone seemed to “understand” what she was going through, but no one did. No one ever really had. 

Except Ben. 

“No. I didn’t,” Leia agreed easily, and that seemed to make her pause in her train of thought. After a moment, she shook her head and sighed. “I can't even begin to imagine how painful it is for you, knowing the pain that I underwent after Han’s death. I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to presume.” 

“Leia…” The young woman sighed and wrapped her arms around her stomach. “I don’t mean to lash out. I really don't. I just…” Rey shook her head. “It’s so hard to explain. It’s like… We were a dyad in the Force, but now my other half is gone. I feel drained. Spent. Not myself.” 

“Maybe it would do you good to go visit your friends,” Leia suggested gently. “I know they miss you, a lot. It might be worth it to get away from this...this self-imposed isolation you’ve put yourself into. Get around people again.” 

“Maybe.” Rey reluctantly agreed after a long moment of silence. Leia had a point; her isolation on Tatooine wasn’t doing anything to help her. But who would take care of the farm in her absence? It wasn’t like she had anyone to help. If she could afford a droid, save up for one with her credits earned from water sales, then maybe she could leave and go visit her friends. “After I get a droid to help with the farm, I’ll go visit them.” She could see Leia’s disagreement with that decision in the way her eyes narrowed and her lips pressed together. The older woman wisely kept her mouth shut. 

“Do what’s best for you, Rey.” She sighed and gave her a wry smile. “Now get back to work. You have a lot ahead of you if you want to go see your friends.” 

“Thanks, Leia. For trying.” The younger woman gave her a smile in return, and she waited until the older woman had disappeared into the Force once more before letting her smile drop. Somehow, she knew that it would be better if she didn’t forget Ben. She _needed_ to hold on; she just didn’t know why. 

As the months passed, the one fleeting dream where everything was happy never resurfaced. The nightmares returned, vivid and horrifying, plaguing her night after night when she was able to sleep. She woke up every morning after sweating and shaking. On the nights that she wasn’t able to sleep, she tossed and she turned all night long, restless and unable to sleep no matter what she tried. 

About a month after the blissful dream, she’d started to see food differently. Before, she’d always been able to eat whatever she could get her hands on, whether it was polystarch veg or rations or steamed vegetables she bought in the Mos Eisley markets. Now, though, for whatever reason, even the _smell_ of food made her nauseous. To even think about eating made her want to vomit, and so she wouldn’t even _try_ to eat until the suns had begun to set once more, her stomach feeling more settled towards the end of the day. 

In the second month after the dream, her life only got harder. She’d always been early to bed, early to rise. Sleeping in wasn’t an option on Jakku. If you slept in, you would starve. Now, though, her mornings were filled with a painful exhaustion where even the thought of sitting up in bed was too tiring to consider. Was this what it was like to grieve, she wondered to herself during the nights where she was still unable to sleep. Was it always this exhausting and painful? 

In addition to exhaustion, which was hampering her work around the farm even with the droid she’d been able to acquire, she was struck by sudden headaches that were so debilitating that she often couldn’t leave her bed once she collapsed into them. Everything was so _loud_ and so _noisy_ , and she just wanted it to stop. 

At her wits’ end, she’d ended up reaching out to her two closest friends, hoping that she could get some answers from them. Rose and Finn had recommended she see a med-droid, but she’d put it off out of necessity. There was too much work to be done on the farm. Besides, the droids in Mos Eisley cost a _fortune_ to see. She’d always been sufficient at taking care of herself. Why bother with a droid now? 

The most worrying aspect of all was that, despite how little she was eating, she was still gaining weight. Her slender frame was beginning to fill out, her cheeks growing rounder and her curves becoming more pronounced. After meditating in the Force to try and determine what to do, she ended up confiding in Leia about her symptoms. If nothing else, maybe the older woman would know what to do. 

To say that Leia turned as white as a ghost was not an exaggeration. She staggered back as Rey began to explain her symptoms, and the younger woman felt her heart constrict painfully in her chest. Was this it, then? Was she going to die? 

“Rey…” The older woman cleared her throat and coughed, obviously uncomfortable with the topic at hand. “When was… When was the last time you bled? Had your monthlies?” Rey blinked at her for a moment before making every effort to remember. To her horror, she couldn’t remember at _all_ when she’d last had her monthlies. She’d been so used to it being irregular on Jakku that, when it had become more regular, she hadn’t even noticed when she’d missed her monthlies. 

“I-I don’t know.” Rey was baffled, still trying to determine what was going on. Was she dying? Leia made it seem like it was serious. 

“Have you...been intimate with anyone lately?” Rey let out a scoffing laugh, which earned her the famous General look with eyebrows raised. “It’s a legitimate question.” 

“No. I haven’t. The last time I was intimate was _in my dreams_. There’s no way anything came of that.” When Leia’s eyebrows didn’t lower, Rey scowled at her. “What? I’m not lying, Leia!” 

“I think you need to be tested by a med-droid,” she said firmly, even when Rey rolled her eyes. “It’s very likely that you’re… pregnant.” 

Rey froze. 

“Pregnant?” The words tumbled from her lips before she could think about them, and she felt very faint. She sank to her knees in the sand, her eyes wide and her hands trembling. She cautiously reached out with her feelings, directing them inward as she looked over her body. She felt as if she might throw up again, which was very likely. She didn’t really know what she was searching for until she came across a tiny bundle of light, nestled just under her ribcage, and her breath caught in her throat. “Leia?” 

“You are, aren’t you?” The older woman smiled kindly, though her brow was furrowed. “Are you sure you haven’t been intimate outside of your dreams?” 

“I’m positive.” Rey was emphatic about that; she hadn’t even dreamt of being intimate with _Ben_ but the one time. “I haven’t been intimate with anyone else.” 

“Then… are you sure that it was a dream?” As Rey pondered her words, Leia dissipated into thin air, and she was left alone with her thoughts. 

Had it been a dream? Or had it been something more?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey everyone! 
> 
> I've been a Reylo fan since TFA. To say that TROS was disappointing was a huge understatement. I'm still really not over what JJ Abrams did with the movie. 
> 
> But that's not the point. 
> 
> I decided to be brave and post a fanfic in the Star Wars section for the first time. I've always loved reading all of the creative Reylos on here, and I hope that I can live up to that someday. For now... I hope you enjoyed this. I really appreciate comments and kudos. Hopefully, I will have the next chapter up within the next week or two. 
> 
> Until next time!


	2. Know I'm Dreaming Of You More

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Rey makes her way to Chandrila to see her friends, and things don't quite go as planned.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wow! 
> 
> I'm so honored that so many of you have left comments, kudos, bookmarks, and subscriptions for this story. It really makes my day! 
> 
> I want to give a huge shout-out to SkyeDreamer223 for being an amazing beta and really helping me out with making sure the pregnancy aspects aren't totally unrealistic. It's my aesthetic. Speaking of her, she's got her new story up called "Chasing Moonbeams", which I have the awesome privilege of betaing in return. If you're looking for a Modern AU that deals with astronomy, then her story is worth checking out. 
> 
> As always, show the love by leaving comments and kudos. I hope I'll have the next chapter up soon!

The trip from Tatooine to Chandrila took far too long, in Rey’s opinion. Maybe, though, her impatience could be attributed to the fact that she was  _ pregnant _ and the only man she’d ever been intimate with was  _ dead _ . She wondered how she was going to be able to explain all of this. “The Force” didn’t seem like a sufficient explanation anymore, not when she didn’t understand it well enough herself. She let out a low sigh, allowing her hand to rest on her stomach, searching for that tiny flickering light that rested within her. It was comforting, in a way, to know that something resided within her that was equal parts hers and Ben’s. Despite herself, a wry smile tugged at her lips. 

“You really know how to love ’em and leave ‘em, Ben Solo,” she muttered to the air, hoping that his spirit would somehow hear her and appear in the cockpit beside her with that crooked grin and his sarcastic quips. She felt naive for being upset when he didn’t show up. It was stupid of her, wasn’t it, to keep hoping that he would show up? She shook herself out of her thoughts and focused on keeping her ship in hyperspace. It wasn’t anything special, really, just Luke’s cobbled-together X-Wing. She hadn’t been able to force herself to return it to the Resistance after the events of Exogol; she’d been too concerned with trying to escape from the pressure and the pitying looks from the people around her. 

While the stars blurred past her viewscreen, she allowed herself to lean back in her seat, her thoughts drifting back to Ben, as they always did. What would her life be like, she wondered, if he hadn’t died? If he’d not sacrificed himself to make sure that she lived? If she closed her eyes, she could imagine them living on Tatooine together, making their living by moisture farming. Maybe she’d even be allowed to fix machinery on the side, something that she was good at. The days would still be long and hot, but the nights… the nights would be gentle and loving and make her feel as if she finally belonged somewhere. 

Her navicomputer beeped at her harshly, alerting her that she was entering Chandrilan airspace. She sat up stiffly in her seat, annoyed when she had to hastily wipe her face clean. As she began her approach towards Hanna City, the towers began to hail her, asking for her identification. It didn’t take long for her to transmit her admittedly-outdated codes, but they still earned her permission to land on the surface. She easily guided her X-Wing to the landing pad, flipping switches and pressing buttons until the ship was powered off. She lifted the canopy and carefully climbed down. 

When she straightened and turned, she was promptly gathered up into a hairy embrace, loud growling sounds filling her ears that were both loving and berating. She couldn’t help but let out a laugh, wrapping her arms around the Wookie’s waist in return. 

“It’s good to see you too, Chewie,” she said softly, lingering in his embrace for a moment longer before she pulled away. “Are the others coming to greet me?” The Wookie growled back in affirmation, and she straightened her spine with a firm nod. “Right. Good. I can’t wait to see them.” She patted one of his hairy arms with a gentle smile before slipping past him, intending on finding her friends as soon as possible. 

“Rey?” As she made her way through Hanna City’s spaceport, she heard her voice called out over the chattering of the many different sentients that drifted to and fro. She turned around, searching for the source of the voice, and broke into a wide grin when she caught sight of her oldest friend. “Rey!” 

“Finn!” She opened her arms wide and allowed him to hug her tightly, and she closed her eyes for a moment. She’d missed her friend dearly, though she knew that they had both had a need to be separated from each other. She’d been busy fulfilling Luke and Leia’s wish to have their sabers buried on Tatooine, and Finn had been helping Poe get the new government up and running. She didn’t envy him for that responsibility; Finn always looked  _ exhausted _ when he came to visit. “Oh, I’ve missed you.” 

“I’ve missed you too, Peanut.” He smiled and gripped her by her upper arms, taking a moment to study her appearance. She rolled her eyes. “You look good, Rey. I mean it.” 

“I think you’re just flattering me, you know?” Rey snorted but gave him a grateful smile nonetheless. “I feel kriffing awful most days. Being pregnant is the  _ worst _ .” 

“So is it official?” Finn’s expression grew serious, and Rey couldn’t blame him. “You’re… You’re really pregnant?” 

“I… I haven’t checked with a med-droid yet,” she murmured, wrapping one of her arms around her stomach protectively. “Those cost too much in Mos Eisley. But… I checked with the Force. It’s… It’s like there’s a little light there under my abdomen, a tiny light that’s partially mine.” 

“Well, who’s the other part of it?” Finn grinned slyly, poking her cheek. “You didn’t tell me you’d moved on from him and found yourself another man. I thought I was your  _ friend _ .” And friend he was, though he had no idea how cutting his words were. She flinched visibly and ducked her head slightly. “Rey?” 

“Because I haven’t,” she said softly, ashamed to simultaneously feel her eyes well up with tears and her cheeks grow flushed. “I haven’t gotten over Ben. And I...don’t think I ever will.” 

“But you got over him enough to sleep with some other man?” Finn raised his eyebrows, voice incredulous, and Rey felt a lump rise in her throat, painful to swallow past. 

“I didn’t sleep with another man.” She gently shoved his hands off of her, putting some distance between them. She couldn’t believe that she thought he’d  _ understand _ . How could he understand? He’d just come into the knowledge that he could use the Force, too, after all. “The baby is Ben’s.” 

Had the spaceport always been this quiet? She could’ve  _ sworn _ that there was chattering that made it impossible to hear much above a shout, and yet now she felt the prickling on her skin that someone was watching her, watching them have this conversation. She wanted nothing more than to hop back in her X-Wing and fly back to Tatooine. 

“Okay… You’re going to have to explain that to me, Peanut.” He let out a sigh and scratched at the back of his head, looking as uncomfortable as she felt. When he looked around and realized that a lot of sentients were looking at them, he bit his lip before grabbing her hand and leading her out of the spaceport and into the busy streets of Hanna City. “But maybe wait until we get you settled at our base of operations.” 

“Is it still a base of operations, even though the war is already over?” Rey quipped, trying to tug her hand out of his grip. “Quit holding my hand. I’m more than capable of following you.” She was trying to lighten the mood, remind him of their chance meeting on Jakku, but Finn merely gave her a tense smile before letting her hand go. 

“Just...stay close. Word  _ might _ have gotten out that you were coming to visit. Understandably, they’re all excited to see the last Jedi in action.” Rey took a look around them, noting just how many people were staring and pointing at them, and she hated the attention that was focused on her. She knew that she was a notable figure from the war, but  _ surely _ after a year they’d let her fade into anonymity, right? 

Before she could follow that train of thought much further, Finn guided her into a large and beautifully-imposing building in the center of Hanna City. People were scurrying back and forth from room to room as she walked in just behind Finn, looking at her with mild interest before resuming their duties. At least here, they understood that she wasn’t some figure to gawk at. Last Jedi or not, she wasn’t some great hero like Luke Skywalker, Leia Organa, or Han Solo. She was just Rey Skywalker now, for all the good that name meant on Tatooine. 

“Finn! Rey!” They both turned as Rose approached them, a warm smile on her lips. She hugged Rey, giving Finn a knowing look as she pulled back. “It’s so good to see you, Rey. It’s nice to have you visit us here. No offense.” 

“None taken. Desert planets are an acquired taste.” Rey let out a laugh. “It’s good to see you too, Rose.” 

“Rose, are Rey’s chambers prepared yet?” Rose nodded at the former-Stormtrooper-turned-General, her brow furrowed in confusion. “Good. Rey… Rey needs to talk about something.” 

“Did you find out why you were so sick?” 

“In a manner of speaking,” Rey said, feeling her stomach churn with her anxiety and stress. Stars, staying on Tatooine really  _ would’ve _ been a better choice. She hated feeling this way. “I...haven’t confirmed with a med-droid, but the Force is pretty helpful when it comes to diagnosing this.” 

“That...sounds more concerning than it’s probably meant to be.” Rose sighed, her full lips pouting. “Do you want to stop by medical first, get yourself checked out?” Rey shook her head. 

“No. It would be nothing but a formality, anyway. I already know what’s causing it.” 

“And it’s of a sensitive nature,” Finn warned in hushed tones, looking around at the people who were obviously listening in and failing to be discreet about it. “So if we could get to her chambers…” 

“Right. Yeah. Totally!” Rose blinked a few times before her smile returned. “Well, come on. We’ll get you settled, and then we can talk. Are you hungry? Thirsty? I know you usually eat steamed vegetables or gruel on Tatooine.” 

“Sometimes, if I’m lucky, I find a black melon that I can drink,” Rey snorted, rolling her eyes heavily. “Not that it tastes good, but it certainly provides variety and helps me keep my water stocks intact.” 

“I still don’t understand why you’d go  _ back  _ to a desert planet,” Finn scoffed and shook his head. Rey felt a wave of irritation wash over her. Why did it  _ matter _ if he didn’t understand? He didn’t have to understand everything that she did. No one did. She didn’t owe anyone an explanation. She allowed herself to foolishly dwell on this thought as they walked, only shaking herself out of it once she realized that they were both staring at her. She’d clearly missed some comment, and she gave them a wan smile in apology. 

“Could you repeat what you said?” She asked softly, trying to keep the peace between them. She had a feeling she knew what was causing the tension between herself and Finn, but she knew that Rose would undoubtedly have her back. The other woman had always been better at understanding her. 

“I just asked what you were thinking about,” Rose smiled. “You just grew quiet.” 

“I’ve had a lot on my mind of late, is all.” Rey smiled back, feeling the exhaustion creep up on her. Space travel was always taxing on the body, but the exhaustion of the baby on top of it was almost a recipe for disaster. She was honestly lucky she hadn’t fallen asleep on the trip over. “I’ll tell you all about it in a minute.” Finn seemed unsatisfied with that answer, but Rose nodded as if it were perfectly reasonable. 

It wasn’t much longer before they came to a stop in front of one of the many doors that lined the residential wing, and Rose waved her hand over the bioscanner to get it to open. Rey stepped in and looked around, not surprised to see a room reminiscent of her quarters on any Resistance base. They were still acting as if they were in a war, but Rey supposed she couldn’t complain too much since she’d isolated herself from them. 

“So, Rey, do you want to tell me what’s going on?” Rose asked as they all gravitated towards the small seating area, and Rey fidgeted in her seat as she tried to find the words to explain. Finn opened his mouth, no doubt to blurt her secret out, but Rose fixed him with a fearsome glare. “Finn, don’t you  _ dare _ try to tell me. This is Rey’s secret, not yours.” Rey couldn’t help but chuckle at that. 

“Thanks, Rose.” She inhaled sharply and closed her eyes, steeling her nerves. “I… I found out what was wrong-- Well, not really  _ wrong _ . That makes this sound unfortunate, not happy.” She cleared her throat, giving Rose and FInn a nervous smile. “I’m… I’m pregnant. And I’m positive that the baby is Ben’s.” She swallowed, scared to look at her friends, to see the disappointment and disbelief that she was sure was on their faces. “I know it sounds ridiculous. He’s been dead for a kriffing  _ year _ , after all. I…” Her voice cracked, and she took a moment to rub at her eyes, trying to keep her tears at bay. Why was this so  _ hard _ ? 

“It’s okay, Rey.” She heard the shifting as Rose stood, moving to sit next to her so she could wrap an arm around her friend’s shoulders. “Take your time. I won’t judge. What makes you think the baby is Ben’s?” 

“Rose, you can’t possibly believe this.” Finn’s voice was sharp and accusing, and Rey flinched, hiding her face in her hands. 

“Finn, I think you need to go cool off,” Rose retorted, and it was pretty obvious that she was unhappy with him in this moment. Rey could only assume that Rose had started glaring again, because Finn let out a loud, long sigh before standing and striding out of the room. Once the door slid shut behind him, Rose started to rub a hand up and down Rey’s back. “Sorry about that. He means well.” 

“I know it sounds ridiculous and unbelievable,” Rey snorted bitterly, the tears dripping down her cheeks freely. “Ben and I… we had a bond that connected us. Snoke claimed he’d made it, but we were… we were really a dyad in the Force, two people who were essentially one. Since he died, it’s been an ache in my mind and heart where his presence used to burn so brightly.” 

“I can’t imagine what that’s like, but it sounds awful.” Leave it to Rose to make her laugh at a time like this, even if it was a sad one. “So you think that he somehow got you pregnant. Why?” 

“I… I had a dream, a few months ago. Normally I have nightmares, reliving Exogol, reliving all that we suffered at the hands of Palpatine, and I was completely prepared to undergo more emotional pain. But…” Rey smiled, her features fond as she recalled how tender and sweet Ben had been in that dream. “This one was different. Ben was there, and he was… he was  _ alive _ . We were having a happy life. I thought that I might as well take advantage of this one happy dream, so…” 

“Let me guess. He got you into bed, right?” Rose snickered, though Rey could sense no malice in the action. She nodded and cleared her throat uncomfortably, her face heated and flushed. “There’s no shame in that. You loved him. That’s normal.” 

“I know. I just-- after is when everything started to kick off. Nausea, exhaustion, vivid dreams… You name it, I’ve gone through it. It’s a nightmare.” Rey rubbed at her temples, keenly aware of said exhaustion creeping up on her. “And you know what the worst part of it is?” 

“That he’s not here to suffer with you?” Rose asked with a wry smile, laughing at Rey’s startled expression. “I don’t have to have the Force to read that all over your face.” 

“I guess that’s fair.” The Jedi sighed and rested her forearms on her knees, hands clasped tightly in an effort to keep them from shaking. “There’s a lot of that, yes, but it’s more that he’s just not here in general. I can just… I can picture his shock, his smile, his adoration, and it hurts. It physically hurts that he’s not here.” 

“I’m sorry, Rey. I wish there was more I could say.” Rose reached across and laid a hand on her arm comfortingly, a gentle smile on her lips that Rey easily reciprocated. “But my words are meaningless, anyway. They don’t fix anything.” 

“They’re not meaningless,” Rey argued. “They give me hope. Comfort.” She gently laid a hand on her friend’s hand. “They remind me that I’m not so alone.” 

_ You’re not alone.  _

_ Neither are you.  _

Rey let out a gasp, pulling out of Rose’s embrace as she half-stood, looking around for the source of the voices. She knew, in the back of her mind, that her friend was confused, but she couldn’t bring herself to acknowledge that right now. All that mattered was finding the source. 

“Ben?” Rey called softly, her voice hesitant and yet full of so much hope. When no voice responded, her features crumpled as she sank to the floor and began to cry. It wasn’t long before Rose knelt beside her and wrapped an arm around her shoulders in an effort to soothe her friend’s broken and battered heart. 

When the Jedi’s tears had finally dried up, too exhausted to continue crying, her friend wrapped her other arm around her trembling form and squeezed her tightly. 

“It’ll be okay,” she whispered, though Rey couldn’t muster up the strength for anything more than a faint shrugging of her shoulders. “I’ll let you rest.” 

“But Finn…” 

“I can handle Finn. Don’t worry.” Rose’s lips thinned in displeasure at the thought, but she didn’t make any further comments. She helped Rey stand up, giving her a sad smile. “Anything else I can do for you?” 

“Just… leave me alone for a little while, I think,” Rey admitted with a quiet nod of her head. “Thank you, Rose.” 

“Take care of yourself, Rey. And your baby. Force knows that he would probably be really upset to see you like this.” With that, Rose left her standing in the middle of the room, the door whooshing as it opened and shut for the pretty mechanic. Rey stared at the door for a long moment, her mind a thousand miles away. 

_ He  _ would _ be pretty upset to see her like this. _

She closed her eyes for a moment, prodding at the empty hole that used to be the bond. It didn’t magically flare to life, nor did it grow warm at her insistent nudging. That didn’t stop her from trying. 

_ Ben… Wherever you are, we need to talk _ . 

He didn’t answer, but she didn’t expect him to. She knew Ben better than anyone else; if he wasn’t answering her, it was most likely true that he  _ couldn’t _ . That boy was too smitten with her (and she with him) to ignore her calls. 

But he  _ had _ showed up in her dreams and gotten her into this predicament before, so surely it would work again. Right? 

With that thought in mind, Rey dragged her tired body to bed, barely taking the time to pull off her boots before she slid under the covers and sank into her dreams. 

It had felt like her eyes were only closed for a moment before she opened them again, though she couldn’t exactly complain when the first thing she caught sight of was his crooked grin and twinkling eyes. With a cry of his name, she surged forward and wrapped her arms around his neck, her lips peppering his face with a litany of kisses. 

“Easy, sweetheart, easy,” he chuckled, though he made no move to pull away. In fact, his arms were snaking around her waist to keep her close, one hand slipping under her tunic to trace circles against the small of her back. She let out a low whine and fixed him with a glare that rapidly lost its heat the longer she stared at him. “I take it that you missed me?” 

“Don’t play coy with me, Ben Solo.” She poked him in the chest, her brows furrowed. “You know  _ exactly _ how much I’ve missed you.” 

“What? It hasn’t been  _ that _ long since I last saw you.” His own brows furrowed in confusion, and her features softened. Of course, time  _ would  _ work differently in the world between worlds. He probably wouldn’t realize that it had been months since she’d seen him last. “Sweetheart?” 

“Ben…” She let out a sigh, toying with the hair at the nape of his neck as she drank in his features. His face was so familiar, and yet it was so different to see him without the scar once more. In her attempt to heal him on Kef Bir after she’d run him through, her healing had extended to the scar she’d marked him with. Despite herself, she found that she missed the mark she’d carved into his skin in her anger only a handful of years ago on Starkiller Base. “How long do you think it’s been since you last saw me?” 

“I… It’s only been a day, hasn’t it?” He raised his eyebrows, his eyes growing wide the longer she merely stared at him. “Sweetheart? It’s only been a  _ day _ , right?” 

“Ben, it’s been  _ months _ since we… since we were last together.” Her cheeks grew flustered, though she was gratified to see that his own turned red as he recalled their intimate time together in her dreams. “So we need to talk things through a little.”

“What’s there to talk about?” His fingers traced over the lines of her face, as if he were trying to memorize them, and she leaned into his touch without much thought. 

“You got me pregnant.” The words were out of her mouth before she realized it, and she suddenly understood the need for tact at his stricken features. 

“I… No, that can’t be possible.” His face had grown deathly pale, and her heart twisted painfully in her chest at the sight of how distraught he was. “This is… This is just a dream. A flight of fancy. I can’t… I can’t possibly interfere in your real life.” 

“But you did, Ben. Feel it.” She grabbed his hand and brought it to her stomach, keeping his palm pressed against the roughspun cloth of the tunic. “Reach out. Feel the light.” A moment passed as Ben stared at her intently, and then his mouth rounded in his shock. For the first time in a year, the bond flared to life, and Rey let out a gasp. “That’s it, Ben Solo. That’s… That’s our baby.  _ We _ made it.” 

“We… We made a baby.” He blinked at her owlishly, and then his lips were on hers again. It wasn’t long before she began to cry, tinging their lips with salt. She couldn’t bring herself to care too much. “But… But  _ how _ ?” Though his lips were turned down and his brow was furrowed, his eyes were sparkling with something that looked suspiciously like relief. Why would he be relieved?

“I’m no expert on the Force, Ben,” she snorted, though her lips were quirked up in a tender smile. His hair was falling into his eyes, and she took a moment to push it back with her fingers, a loving and affectionate gesture that seemed so natural to her. “I’ve been asking myself the same question since I found out.” 

“But I’m…” His words caught in his throat, and it was like he was suddenly unable to speak. “I’m not…” 

“I know.” Her smile grew sad, and she pressed her face into the curve of his neck, inhaling the scent of spice that was inherently his. “You’re… You’re dead. I know that. I’ve been reminded of that everyday for a year.” More recently, too, since she’d started going through the early symptoms of pregnancy. She thought of him constantly, missing him more than she ever had. It had left her weepy and unable to sleep many nights, which usually wasn’t helped by her insomnia. 

“Rey, I’m not…” He was shaking his head vehemently, which caused her to lift her head. Again, he had lost his voice; his lips were moving, forming the words, but no sound was emerging. 

“Ben?” She pressed her palm to his cheek, and he turned to press a kiss to her skin. Almost as soon as his lips met her palm, the scene dissolved, blurring until she couldn’t feel him any longer. “No, no, don’t you  _ do this _ . Not now. Not…” Her protests went unheard, and soon she was shooting up in her bed on Chandrila, her only company the moonlight spilling into her window. 

She slammed her fists against her pillow, an anguished scream ripping from her throat as her tears began again in earnest. When that wasn’t satisfying enough, she began to toss the pillows around with the Force, only stopping once her shoulders were heaving with the effort to draw in breaths between hoarse screams. She scooted back until her back was pressed against the headboard, curling in her legs to her chest and pressing her face into her knees. 

Within her, the little light unfurled, as if it were a bird spreading its wings for the first time. Rey inhaled sharply, one of her hands gently moving to cup her stomach. 

_ Little one _ ? She nudged at the light with her own gently, trying to see what would happen. She doubted that the little light would be able to fully communicate with her, but she was almost desperate for that contact. She was  _ craving _ it, especially after how her dream of Ben had shaken her to her core. 

To say that the life within her  _ replied _ would be a stretch. It wasn’t a reply, not really. It was more emotions,  _ feelings _ , rather than actual words. If someone asked, Rey wasn’t sure she could really put into words what her child was communicating with her. 

_ Safe. Love. Home.  _

“Oh, Little One,” she whispered softly, a smile gracing her lips. “You’re safe. I love you. I won’t let anyone harm you. You’re… You’re my sweet and precious baby.” The light within her bubbled, flaring into a tiny sun before dimming once more. She assumed that meant the baby was happy, but Rey really wasn’t an expert on babies. Especially not a baby that might be Force sensitive. 

But Leia might know. 


	3. A Million Dreams (Keeping Me Awake)

Unsurprisingly, the Force was not indulgent when it came to contacting Leia. It was like there was a block, and Rey couldn’t break through and reach her no matter what she tried. Hours of working, of meditating, of  _ begging _ did nothing but leave her frustrated and tearful. When the sun finally peeked over the horizon, Rey was utterly exhausted. It didn’t help that the nausea was returning in full force, and she felt miserable. 

As the room began to grow brighter with the light of the rising sun, she laboriously pushed herself to sit up, raking her fingers through her hair. She felt like a mess, but she knew that she couldn’t simply hide in her room all day; her friends were expecting her to get up and be social with them. She’d come to Chandrila to visit, after all, and it wasn’t proper to lock oneself in the room instead of being social. She looked beside her, smiling sadly as she ran her fingers over the spot where he’d lain last night, at least in her dreams. He’d been so close, and she could imagine that the pillow still smelled like him if she closed her eyes. 

There was a quiet knock at the door, and that was the thing that made her finally stand out of bed, rubbing at her back with a wince as she headed to the door. To her surprise, Finn was waiting outside for her, a pensive smile on his face. 

“Hey,” he called softly in greeting. “Is it… Can I come in?” 

“Sure.” She stepped aside to let him in, a frown creasing her brow. “Is something wrong?” 

“Not really. I just…” He inhaled sharply, seeming to bolster his courage. “I wanted to apologize for yesterday. I… I was a jerk, alright? You needed me to be supportive, and I was anything but. So I’m sorry.” 

“Finn…” Rey threw her arms around the man, chin resting on his shoulder as she hugged him tightly. “I forgive you. It’s not easy to believe, and I get that.” 

“It still doesn’t give me license to be a complete and utter jerk,” he mumbled, though his arms came around her waist as he hugged her back, his tense posture softening at her forgiveness. “You can’t deny that I was horrible yesterday. I’m… I’m still not sure if I believe you 100%, but I can’t deny that there has to be  _ some _ truth to it.” 

“Just keep being my friend. You don’t have to believe me yet.” Rey pulled back with a soft smile. “I love you, Finn.”    
  
“I love you too, Peanut.” He reached up to ruffle her hair, stepping back to a more appropriate distance as he cleared his throat. “Right. So… Now that that’s done… Do you want to have breakfast?” 

“Depends on what’s on the menu,” Rey teased, nodding her head agreeably. “I’d love to have the company. Don’t know how well I’ll be able to eat, though.” She patted her stomach with a rueful smile. “This one’s insistent that I don’t eat in the mornings. It’s a bummer, really. I have access to so much more food now, and I can’t even enjoy it.” 

“Sounds like such a pain,” the man teased, though his gaze flickered down to her stomach for a brief moment. “So… little baby Skywalker doesn’t like food? Or is it baby Solo?” 

“I…” The woman blinked at him in unadulterated surprise, her eyes wide. She hadn’t even considered names for the baby, much less what last name the baby would take. It wasn’t easy; as much as she wanted the baby to have the last name of Solo, she wasn’t sure if it was appropriate. After all, she and Ben had never married. Would it be proper for her to give the baby his last name? “I don’t know,” she admitted with a soft sigh. “I don’t know which last name to give them.” 

“Oh. I see.” Finn smiled awkwardly, and she could sense his discomfort stemming from his reluctance to make her upset again. 

“It’s not your fault,” she tried to reassure him. “I promise. I just… haven’t thought about it, not really. I haven’t exactly had a lot of time to process it.” He still seemed hesitant, but he shook it off a moment later with ease. 

“Well, I know Rose and I would love the company. Poe’s supposed to try and make it in, too, if he can get away from his responsibilities.” 

“Oh? General Dameron’s not too busy for breakfast?” Rey let out a laugh, her hands settling on her stomach absently. “Well, it’ll be good to catch up with him again, too. Lead the way.” Finn laughed as well and started towards the shared dining room in this wing of the building, where Rose was already seated, sitting patiently with her pickled blackbeak egg. Just the smell of it made Rey’s stomach churn uncomfortably, but she breathed in and out slowly as she sat down, giving her friend a smile. 

“Good morning,” Rose greeted them with a bright smile, giving Rey a wave while Finn moved to sit next to her, dropping a kiss on her forehead before he was seated. “Sleep okay?” 

“As well as I could manage,” Rey said softly, remembering the anguish she’d felt at being separated from Ben once more, the frustration at being unable to reach Leia. She felt like she was a ship dead in space, doomed to floating listlessly with no way to steer and no way to power back up. She didn’t know the first thing about raising a child, considering Jakku had been all but void of mothers. Children were a liability; an extra mouth to feed meant possibly going without, and that wouldn’t do in a society of scavengers fighting to stay alive. 

“More dreams?” Finn frowned over his own pickled blackbeak egg. “Bad ones? Good ones?” 

“Sad ones.” The Jedi rubbed at her eyes with a tired sigh. “Makes it hard to go back to sleep when you relive the pain all over again.” Rose made a gentle cooing noise, reaching across the table to cover her friend’s hand with her own. 

“We’re here if you need us,” she murmured. Rey nodded with a grateful smile, looking down at her egg with a wrinkled nose. Her stomach was still churning too much to try and eat anything. “Is something wrong with the egg?” 

“No, nothing’s wrong. I’m sure it tastes great. Nausea, you know?” The pregnant woman shrugged her shoulders. “It’s fine. Is there any tea I can have instead?” 

“Chandrilan tea is  _ amazing _ ,” Rose gushed, nodding enthusiastically as she waved one of the serving droids over. “Chandrilan tea for the whole table, please!” The droid whirred and beeped at them in affirmation before disappearing through the other door that Rey presumed led to the kitchen. “Is the nausea really as bad as they say?” 

“For me, it is.” Rey let out a grumbling breath, though she rubbed a hand over her still-flat stomach fondly. “Can’t say that I mind too much, though. It’s… comforting, to feel the baby. I can’t wait for them to actually start moving.” It was probably naive of her to say that, but she knew that she was thrilled that, at the end of this, she wouldn’t be alone anymore. If nothing else, she would have their baby to keep her company, though she desperately wanted to bring him back somehow and spend the rest of her life loving him, maybe even being his wife. 

“I bet!” Rose blushed faintly as she looked at Finn, and Rey furrowed her brow in confusion as she looked between her two friends. 

“Are you…?” Her friend was startled out of her dreamy gaze, blushing furiously and shaking her head. 

“What? No! No, we’re not… I’m not pregnant,” she stammered out, which only made Rey more suspiciously. “At least… not yet.” Rose bit her lip and shared another look with Finn. “We’ve...been trying.” 

“That’s… That’s wonderful,” Rey managed to get out, a lump rising in her throat despite her joy for her friends. “Really. Let me know how that works out for you.” 

“We will.” Rose hurriedly stuffed pieces of her egg in her mouth, and Finn did the same. It was awkward, to watch them eat without eating anything herself. Just the  _ thought _ of putting food in her mouth made her want to vomit. 

Her inner ruminations were interrupted by the droid trundling back in, four steaming cups of Chandrilan tea on the tray it was holding. She gratefully grabbed a cup and inhaled the light scent. It didn’t make her stomach gurgle in protest, so she sipped at it lightly, delighted at the warmth it gave her as it slid down her throat. She waited for a few moments to see how her stomach would react before she eagerly began to drink more. 

It was unfortunate timing that she was mid-sip when the door slammed open, startling her so much that her cup slipped from her hands, spilling the remains of her hot tea over her tunic as Poe hurried into the room. She let out a cry and immediately plucked at her tunic, trying to get the wet fabric off of her skin as soon as possible. 

“Poe,” Finn cried in exasperation, Rose clutching at her own tunic as if her heart were going to jump out of her chest. The former Stormtrooper stood to try and help Rey, but she waved him off with a roll of her eyes. 

“Sorry. Didn’t mean to startle everyone. Just didn’t want to miss you guys.” Poe grinned apologetically, rubbing the back of his head as he moved to sit in the empty seat next to Rey. Before he sat, he threw his arms around her in a hug. “It’s good to see you again, Madam Jedi.” 

“Hello to you, too, General Dameron,” Rey replied warmly. “It’s been a while.” 

“Yeah, well, it’s been a busy year. A lot of work, trying to rebuild the government from the ground up.” Poe continued to grin, though there was a tightness to it that didn’t escape her notice. She could imagine how difficult it was to start a new government from scratch, considering Poe’s past as a spice-runner and his hotheaded temperament. 

“I’m sorry to hear that,” Rey replied tactfully instead of piling her own woes on top of his own as if suffering were a competition. “You’ve been doing well so far, from what I’ve heard. Then again, Tatooine is a pretty remote part of the galaxy.” 

“How’s the moisture farm? Finn and Rose were telling me that you just bought a droid recently to help you out?” 

“I… I did. It’s work. Gets me the credits that I need to survive.” Rey shrugged, her lips thinning as an awkward silence settled between them. She didn’t know Poe as well as she’d like, and it showed in the way their stilted conversation had fizzled out before it could really begin. 

“So!” Rose clapped her hands, startling Rey out of her thoughts. “I was hoping I could take Rey around Hanna City while you two talked politics. Is that okay?” The Jedi nodded, a genuine smile on her lips at the thought. She’d never seen Hanna City before, and she was really eager to see yet another new part of the galaxy. The little girl that had always wanted to travel the stars still lived within her, after all. 

“I’d love that.” Rey looked down at her stained tunic with a rueful smile. “But maybe I should change first.” 

“I’m sorry for startling you.” Poe smiled apologetically, though the way his gaze lingered on her form unsettled her. Did he know, somehow, that she was pregnant, or was he simply admiring the way the wet spots of her tunic clung to her skin despite her best efforts to keep them separated? Whatever the reason, something dark and heavy rose up in her chest, and she suddenly wanted to be as far away from the man as possible. 

“I’ll go change, and then we can go explore Hanna City,” she mumbled, ducking her head as she hurried from the room despite her friends’ protests. She didn’t stop until she was safely tucked away in the safety of her room, clutching at her chest as her heart beat frantically in her ribcage. What  _ was _ that feeling? Something dark and ugly and heavy was rising, and she was trying to tamp it down with minimal success. 

Was this because she was a Palpatine? Was she really born for the Dark? She shook her head vehemently at these thoughts, sinking to the ground as she laced her fingers together tightly. This wasn’t her destiny, she reminded herself. She had fought her heritage and  _ won _ ; why was she still struggling with this duality within herself? 

_ You’re still holding on! Let go! _

“Oh, Ben…” She let out a soft sigh and closed her eyes, remembering how scared he’d looked in that throne room, how panicked he’d been when she turned him down. She remembered how desperately she’d wanted to take his hand, to take  _ Ben’s _ hand in that moment. Something within her had risen up and resisted, and she’d subsequently fled when she was first able to. Looking back, she wondered what would’ve happened if she’d taken his hand, if she’d agreed to stand by his side instead. 

Would she have become the Empress that Palpatine had predicted she would become? 

_ Stop it, Rey _ , she chided herself, rubbing a hand over her face. Thinking like that would do her no good. She’d made her decision two years ago, and it had been the right decision, no matter what pain and heartache she’d endured since. Besides- She’d still been able to have her Ben, no matter how brief the moment was. 

She allowed her pity party to continue for a moment longer, and then she was pushing herself to stand, heading for her small bag of clothing that she’d brought, changing into another sleeveless tunic in beige before studying her appearance in the mirror. She didn’t look pregnant yet, but she couldn’t deny that she’d put on weight: her cheeks were rounder, her curves more pronounced. More than that, though, she looked happy, happier than she’d looked in a long time. 

All because of him. 

When she opened the door, Rose was standing outside, fidgeting impatiently before she realized that Rey was leaving. 

“Oh!” She stepped back, looking embarrassed at being caught. “I didn’t realize it would be such a quick change.” 

“No need to keep you waiting, right?” Rey smiled gently at her friend, laying a hand on her shoulder. “Besides, I’m not… I’m not upset. I just...needed a minute, is all.” 

“I hope Poe didn’t upset you. If he did, I’ll knock him upside the head,” the mechanic threatened, which made Rey laugh loudly and hug her friend. 

“It’s fine. Just… missing Ben, is all. I’m okay. Promise.” 

“If you say so.” Rose seemed suspicious but accepted the answer without further questioning. She slipped her arm into Rey’s and smiled. “Let’s go hit the town!”

“Just no alcohol for me,” she murmured with a wrinkle of her nose. “Don’t want the baby to be affected.” 

“That’s fair. We’ll still have a good time, promise.” Rey smiled gratefully at her friend and nodded, allowing Rose to lead her around the sights in Hanna City. What Rey enjoyed most was how green everything was. Unfortunately, most of the things that Rose wanted to do with her involved all sorts of exotic drinks that Rey didn’t trust, so it was an afternoon spent mostly enjoying each other’s company. 

“So why Ben?” Rose asked as they sat down and rested their aching feet. Rey was in the middle of downing water and promptly proceeded to spit it out everywhere. “Oh, stars, I’m sorry!” 

“No, it’s… it’s fine.” The Jedi coughed and cleared her throat, so obviously turning red from something other than a sunburn. “I… I don’t really know how to put it into words, Rose.”

“Just try? I didn’t get to know him like you did.” 

“I… He had such a quirky sense of humor,” Rey said softly. “And he never lied to me. He… he always told me the truth, or what he believed to be the truth. And he was always so gentle with me, even when we were fighting. He didn’t want to hurt me, so he held back in the hopes that he could convince me to let him train me.” 

“When did you realize you cared about him?” Rose was leaning across the table with misty eyes. “Surely before he died, right?”

“Yeah.” The other woman sniffed and wiped at her eyes. “I… I had a vision, while I was on Ahch-To. I asked if it could show me my parents, but it just showed me myself. And the first person I ran to wasn’t Luke; it was Ben.” 

“Really? Even when you two were enemies?” 

“Yeah. It was like… Yes, we were enemies, but we were also the only people who could ever understand each other, the struggle between the Light and the Dark, the abandonment…” Rey laid her hand on her stomach with a wistful smile. “We vowed that the other would never be alone again. And he’s… he’s kept that vow, even if I don’t like his methods.” 

“Sounds like a holodrama romance,” Rose cooed with a gentle smile. “It’s beautiful.” 

“Is it wrong for me to hope that there’s a way to bring him back?” Rey asked suddenly, and her friend paused for a moment. “If he came back, would he even be allowed to be at my side?” 

“I can’t answer that question. I don’t know. But knowing Finn and Poe…” Rose trailed off with a sad yet meaningful glance. “It might be better that he’s gone.” 

“Maybe.” Rey looked down at her stomach, gently nudging the little light within her. It stirred and reached back to her, which made her inhale softly. “But at least… at least he didn’t leave me alone.” 

“That’s a good way to look at it.” Rose toyed with her glass before finishing it up in a big gulp. “I don’t know about you, but I’m ready to get back to the new headquarters. I’m exhausted.” The Jedi could sense the undercurrent of a lie in her friend’s tone, but she knew that it was more that Rose didn’t want to wear her out so much. 

“Okay.” Rey finished her drink and stood with a soft smile. “Thanks for today, Rose. I really needed it.” 

“Me too. Too much testosterone, you know?” The mechanic laughed and laced her arm with Rey’s, and the two headed back with smiles on their lips and less sadness in their hearts. 

For most of the evening, Rey kept to herself, eating quietly while everyone else carried the conversation, smiling and laughing when appropriate. Otherwise, she engaged minimally, and as soon as she was able to, she escaped to her room. 

“Rey,” a voice called to her, and she was surprised when she looked up and saw Luke standing in the middle of her chambers. “This isn’t Tatooine.” He smiled crookedly, the lines in his face deepening in his mirth. 

“No, it’s not,” she replied easily, though she cautiously kept her distance. “I’m on Chandrila, visiting friends.” 

“So I’ve heard.” He sniffed once and settled into one of the dining chairs with ease. “We need to have a talk, Rey.” 

“About what?” She folded her arms and lifted her chin stubbornly. “I don’t know what I have to say to you.” 

“You’re pregnant with Ben’s child,” he said bluntly. “It’s something that shouldn’t have happened.” 

“Something that physically shouldn’t have happened or morally shouldn’t have happened?” Her voice was sharp and cold, a knife poised to strike where it hurt most. 

“Physically,” Luke assured her, and her shoulders relaxed slightly. “It shouldn’t have physically happened.” 

“But you said you haven’t seen him in the World Between Worlds, right?” Rey’s voice shook. “You can’t find him, Leia can’t find him… is he really dead?” 

“I don’t have another explanation for his disappearance.” Luke shrugged, looking ancient in that moment. “Traditionally, when a Force user becomes one with the Force, that means they’ve passed on. If he hasn’t shown up… I don’t know what that means.” 

“Thanks for your help,” she replied sarcastically, and she wiped at her eyes in aggravation. Why was she so weepy now? Was this a common part of pregnancy? “Have you… Have you seen Leia? I’ve been trying to get a hold of her, but I haven’t seen her.” 

“She’s… She’s a bit distraught about the pregnancy,” Luke finally admitted, rubbing the back of his neck with an uncomfortable grimace. “She’s not taking it well that she can’t find Ben either. It’s one thing that she can’t find Han; to not be able to find her son either…” 

“That must be hard,” Rey murmured softly, having the decency to look as guilty as she felt. She hadn’t considered what the consequences of this pregnancy would be when it came to Leia. “I just wanted her advice and her wisdom, since she’s actually been pregnant. I didn’t think it would hurt her.” 

“Give her time. She’ll be thrilled to have a grandchild.” Luke sighed and patted her shoulder gently, giving her a thin smile. “For the time being… trust your instincts, Rey. They will serve you well.” 

“Thanks, Luke.” She sighed and covered her hand with his, staring into the distance. “I… I’m sorry, for being so abrasive. I’m just on edge, with the pregnancy and the recent hostility I’ve had to endure.” 

“People don’t believe you, do they? That the baby is Ben’s?” He gave her a knowing look. “I could’ve told you that. He’s been dead for well over a year. It doesn’t make sense for you to  _ just now _ be getting pregnant with his child.” 

“The story of my life,” she retorted with a wrinkled nose. “I haven’t been telling  _ everyone _ . Just my friends.” 

“Still, I would caution you from telling anyone else until we can figure this out.” 

“So what do I tell them when I start to show?” Rey looked down at her stomach. To most people, she would probably look like she simply enjoyed her meals a few too many times for another month. Once the swell of her stomach became more evident, then she would be the subject of all the gossip. “And I don’t know how I’m going to keep up the moisture farm on Tatooine if I’m waddling around and miserable from this baby.” 

“Really?  _ That’s _ what you’re worried about? The moisture farm?” Luke’s lips curled up in a dry smile as he chuckled. “You could worry about far more important things.” 

“It’s a way to make a living,” she scoffed and folded her arms. “How else am I going to earn credits if I’m pregnant?” 

“I’m sure you’ll find a way,” was his cryptic reply, and then she was alone in the room once more. Rey let out a loud sigh. 

“So helpful,” she grumbled, sitting down for a moment longer. With a begrudging sigh, she pushed herself to stand, heading towards the refresher. She enjoyed her time with Rose while they went on an adventure around Hanna City, but now she felt grimy and disgusting. Laughable, really, considering where she’d grown up and where she now chose to live. 

While she waited for the water to heat up, she took a moment to study her reflection. Somehow, she couldn’t see the woman that Ben had seen: the confident and courageous warrior was replaced by a waifish woman whose features were slightly sunken and aged with her worry. She’d heard rumors that pregnant women glowed, but she wasn’t sure where the glow was supposed to come from. The glowing bugs, maybe? 

As she stood under the flowing water, she allowed her mind to drift back to Ben and Exogol. The terror she’d felt at seeing him flung into a pit only eclipsed by her righteous anger as she fought back against Palpatine. Being asleep and only stirring once he’d cradled her in his arms. That dimpled grin of his. The kiss…  _ Stars _ , the kiss. She could feel her lips tingling at the memory, and she subconsciously brought her hand up to cover her mouth. 

It wasn’t until she stepped out of the refresher that she realized her cheeks were wet with tears. She wiped her face furiously, her frustration at the situation only mounting. 

This wasn’t fair.  _ None _ of this was fair. 

She allowed herself another moment of sniffling and crying, and then she straightened her spine. Ben wouldn’t want to see her like this, and neither would her friends. She forced herself to smile, and then she headed to her bedchambers to change into her sleeping clothes. 

As she settled into her bed for the night, she glanced out of the window at Chandrila’s moon. She smiled gently and rubbed a hand over her stomach. 

“I’ll find you, Ben,” she whispered out loud. “Whatever it takes.” She rolled onto her side, curling up protectively around her stomach, and fell asleep. 

She didn’t think she would be lucky enough to see him two nights in a row, but she opened her eyes in the dreamscape to see him pacing the room. He was muttering and mumbling under his breath frantically, his fingers raking through his hair. Why was he so agitated? She sat up and yawned, rubbing at her eyes as she breathed out his name in a sigh. As soon as she started moving, he was at her side, kissing over her face furiously. 

“Are you okay?” He asked in between kisses, his hands warm as they pressed against her cheeks. He promptly covered her lips with his before she had a chance to respond, which made her laugh incredulously and wrap her hands around his wrists. 

“Yeah, I’m fine. Tired from walking all day. Making a baby is hard.” She wrinkled her nose at him and laughed, more relieved and relaxed now that he was here with her. She settled her arms around his neck, toying with the hair at the nape of his neck. Had it always been this long? 

“I’m sorry,” he said softly, and she could sense his genuine sorrow over the bond. She blinked. 

_ The bond? _

“Ben?” She looked at him with wide eyes. “What’s… What’s going on?” 

“I don’t have a lot of time,” he said softly. “It gets less if I try to talk to you about this.” He raised his eyebrows expectantly, as if waiting for her to make the decision. She swallowed heavily. 

Should she try to learn the truth? Or should she be selfish and spend this precious time with him? 

“Ben…” She sighed and pressed another soft kiss to his lips. “I love you so much, Ben Solo.” She smiled sadly. “Tell me what you can. Quickly.” 

“I’m not dead,” he whispered softly, looking around as if he were going to be caught by something. “I can’t… I don’t have enough time to explain. I’m not technically dead. It’s part of us being a dyad in the Force.” 

“Okay,” she said, a half-smile on her lips. “I can… I can live with that.” She sighed and pressed another firm kiss to his lips. “Stars, Ben, I miss you so much.” 

“I miss you too, sweetheart.” His voice was swallowed up by her lips, and she couldn’t stop the soft sob that escaped her throat. “Hey, don’t… don’t cry. Please don’t. Let me enjoy this time I have with you.” 

“I’m trying. I’m trying.” Ben swiped his thumbs across her cheekbones, and she closed her eyes and leaned into the touch. “How much longer do I have with you?” 

“Not long enough,” he murmured. “Never long enough.” His smile was wry, and he pushed her hair back from her face. “You’re healthy? Baby’s healthy?” 

“We’re both fine.” She gently guided one of his hands to her stomach. “Feel.” She nudged at the light, and it stretched out like wings that were unfurling. She gently guided the outstretched tendrils of light towards the buzzing warmth of the bond. “This is Daddy, little one,” she whispered. 

The joy that lit up his face as the world around her blurred would keep her hope alive in the months to come. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wow! Sorry for the delay, everyone. Holidays were crazy and I didn't have as much time or motivation to write as I thought I would. 
> 
> Thank you so much to the people that have given me kudos and bookmarks! They warm my cold, dead heart like nothing else does. 
> 
> Thank you again to SkyeDreamer for reading over the chapter and giving me some editing tips. If you haven't already, check out her fanfic "Chasing Moonbeams". I'm certainly having a blast being her beta for that story. 
> 
> Leave kudos and comments. I'll hopefully have chapter four out soon. I love all of you Reylos so much. <3


	4. Choosing You (I Will Never Stop)

Whoever had decided that pregnancy was a good idea had clearly been a man, Rey thought to herself as she wiped the sweat from her brow. Being back on Tatooine was a welcome misery, even if it was temporary. She had to check on her moisture farm and make sure that everything was functioning properly. If something broke down when she was too pregnant to do more than waddle, when she had to be away, then she would be out of credits and lacking a home. 

Leaving Chandrila hadn’t been an easy decision, though she’d promised her friends that she wouldn’t be gone long. They were good people who meant well, but they could be rather stifling. Rey had been driven out of her mind, being waited on hand and foot when her friends were around. She was pregnant, not crippled! 

She gently laid her hand on her stomach, which protruded out now and made it painfully obvious that she was expecting a baby. The med-droid had assured her that it was normal for a woman of her slight build to show far sooner than planned. Still, the more Rey studied her reflection every night, the more she fell in love with her bump and with the baby she housed within her. 

She didn’t know what the rules were for a pregnant Force user, but she did know that she enjoyed her nights interacting with that little flickering light within her. It was playful and had a personality, even though it couldn’t speak yet. The more they interacted, the deeper the bond grew, and the stronger she could feel the baby within her. She could sense that it wouldn’t be much longer before she discovered the gender. 

Returning her focus to the task at hand, Rey rubbed the small of her back with a soft sigh, taking one last look over the moisture vaporator before pushing herself to stand, her back and shoulders aching from her prolonged position hunched over the base of the vaporator. She gathered up her toolkit and climbed in her newly-purchased landspeeder, a refurbished X-34 that she’d found in the market one day. It wasn’t pretty, but it did the job she needed it to do, which was to tote her around to the far corners of her moisture farm. 

As she headed back to the homestead, she allowed her mind to wander, lost in thought. She hadn’t seen Ben since his revelation that he wasn’t dead, no doubt a punishment of some sort for blowing the whistle. The bond still buzzed with warmth, but she hit a wall every time she tried to tug on it, tried to get him to manifest in front of her. She hated the separation, but she couldn’t complain too much when she was still so giddy that he was alive. 

As long as she would be able to see him again… She could endure anything. 

There was nothing different about the homestead when she arrived. There weren’t any speeders waiting by the door, nor were there any sentient beings present. The only things there were her two droids, one for working on the moisture farm and one a med-droid that her friends had insisted upon. 

“You never know when you’ll need one,” Rose had gushed as they sat around sipping Chandrilan tea during Rey’s final week there, just the two of them. Poe and Finn were still so busy trying to reconstruct the government from the ground up that there hadn’t been time to truly hang out as a group. 

Not that Rey particularly wanted to, leery of the appreciative looks that Poe would give her when he thought she wasn’t looking. Was a pregnant woman really that enticing? She headed to the refresher to wash her face after traveling, taking a moment to study her reflection in the mirror. 

She looked...dirty. Her clothes were stained and caked with dirt and grime, and her skin was glistening with sweat. Not even the bump could make her look more beautiful. She let out an irritated huff and stripped out of her clothing, wiping off the sand that stuck to her skin before stepping into her refresher. 

As the water dripped down her body, her mind began to wander once more, this time to Ben. She hadn’t seen him in so long, and her heart ached at their separation. Realistically, she knew that it had only been a few weeks since her last dream had been of him, but it felt like years to her. Once she had realized that, perhaps, Ben wasn’t as gone for good, she had been seeking answers in the books she’d stolen from Luke, trying to figure out what a dyad was, what could be holding him hostage, but she’d been unable to come up with a single solution. 

“This is a bunch of Bantha poodoo,” she murmured to no one in particular, her frustration evident in the way her fingers curled into fists. She hated not having the answers, particularly when no one was able to help her or willing to help her. Luke was silently stoic, as usual, and Leia hadn’t appeared since the pregnancy had become more obvious. “Why won’t anyone help me?”

“Perhaps because there is no help to be given,” a male voice murmured softly, making her scream and practically jump out of her skin. She was only slightly reassured by the blue glowing light that surrounded the man, and she covered up her body as best as she could while glaring at the Force ghost standing in front of him. 

“Maybe this isn’t the best time for this conversation,” she murmured heatedly, though the ghost in front of her merely shrugged his shoulders with a mischievous grin on his face. “Who are you, anyways?”

“It seems my children haven’t welcomed you to the family properly. You took the name, right?” She could only blink at him in confusion, trying to figure out who this man could possibly be. “Don’t you see the family resemblance?” 

“Anakin?” She finally asked after a long moment of studying his features, finding the dark hair that reminded her of Leia and the gleaming eyes that reminded her of Luke. He nodded sagely and folded his arms. 

“That would be me. Hi. Put some clothes on.” He waved his hand at her and turned away, giving her a moment of privacy. “We need to talk about my grandson.” Rey furrowed her brow, narrowing her eyes at the ghost as she shut off the refresher and quickly pulled on one of her clean sleeping gowns. 

“What about him, exactly?” She folded her arms and stared at him, eyebrows raised as she waited for an answer. “What’s the significance of us being a dyad? How is he… How is Ben not dead? How do I get him back?” 

“I can’t answer all of your questions.” His smile was sad and apologetic. “But what I can tell you, I’ll tell you.” He gestured to one of the chairs, settling in the other one with a low sigh. “Sit down, Rey. Let me tell you what I can.” 

“That’s not concerning at all,” she murmured, settling in her seat with a soft sigh. She rubbed a hand over the bump and studied him tiredly. “Tell me what you can, Anakin.” 

“I’m sure Ben’s mentioned how you’re a dyad. Right?” The man sighed, looking far too young to have been the menacing Darth Vader that the galaxy knew and hated. Rey wondered if this was what he looked like before he fell. “Being a dyad means that you are two halves of one whole. He is your Dark, you are his Light. One soul split into two bodies.”

“Yeah, I get that,” Rey muttered wryly, remembering just how much grief she had undergone since his death, how much it had hurt to go back to Tatooine and bury the sabers, turning eagerly to see Luke and Leia, hoping Ben would be there next to them. She’d thrown herself into getting the moisture farm back up and running, ignoring her health for days at a time for the sake of distraction. 

“He should be dead,” Anakin said bluntly, “but because you are a dyad, the Force couldn’t take him fully from you when he died. You two are inextricably bound.”

“So what I’m hearing is that the Force can’t fully make him dead because he’s bound to me for the rest of my life? Stuck between living and dead?” She snorted bitterly. “How do I let him go? How do I let him have peace?”

“You don’t decide that,” Anakin said softly, understanding that they were crossing into a territory full of hurt and resentment. “I wish I could tell you that it was that easy, that you could just let go of his memory and let him rest, but you’re both too stubborn to do that.” He gave her a wry smile and shook his head. “Ben reminds me a lot of Padmé. She was also stubborn, also determined to do things for the good of those she loved.” 

“Padmé was your wife, right?” Rey asked, feeling awkward for not knowing. “The… senator?” 

“Queen, first,” he corrected gently, “and then the senator. My wife. The one I loved more than anything.” The man’s smile made him look almost boyish, and she could see the appeal that he must’ve had. 

“Was she wonderful?” 

“The most wonderful creature in the entire galaxy.” Anakin let out a soft sigh. “I miss her every day.” His smile was tinged with sadness. “I know that she’s waiting for me, but my time isn’t finished yet. I must serve the Force for a little while longer.”

“That must be lonely.” 

“Not really.” He shrugged his shoulders. “I’m one with the Force. I’m connected to every being in the realm beyond shadows. It’s quite an interesting experience.” He chuckled. “But I guess not everyone would find that interesting.” 

“I can see where Ben gets it from,” Rey mused with a fond smile. “His love of learning, that is, of studying the Force. At least he took after you in that regard.” 

“I wish it was the only aspect he copied. Honestly, that boy…” Anakin shook his head. “He meant well, but he’s also a big hard-head. He was doomed from the start, with Skywalker and Solo blood.” 

“Do you really think I can get him back, Master Skywalker?” Rey asked with hesitance. He studied her features as if pondering something, then slowly nodded. 

“I think that, if anyone can do the impossible, it would be you two.” He looked around, then clicked his tongue in annoyance. “Unfortunately, my time here is short. Trust in the Force, Rey, and everything will be clear.” Without another word, the man faded from sight, and Rey was left alone with the fading light from the twin suns as company. 

When she settled into bed that night, she rubbed a hand over her stomach and sighed. The light within her flickered and darted around playfully, which made Rey smile, even as her body screamed at her to sleep. 

“Not tonight, little one,” she whispered softly, keeping her hand protectively settled on her stomach as she nodded off. As much as she enjoyed her interactions with her child, she couldn’t keep pushing herself to her limits anymore. 

She wondered what Ben had been like, as a child. 

He didn’t visit her that night, nor did he visit her the following night. Despite her talk with Anakin, Rey couldn’t help but feel disheartened. Her days were filled with collecting moisture to sell at market, and her nights were filled with attempts at studying the decrepit Jedi texts in search of an answer. Occasionally, her friends would send her holomessages to let her know that they were thinking about her and that they cared, but she was mostly alone with her baby and her thoughts. 

She was being driven out of her mind. 

At first, it hadn’t been bad. She had the baby to keep her company, and she had the droids. However, as her stomach continued to grow and the baby continued developing within her, she couldn’t help but pine for Ben. She needed him here, and yet he was gone. He never made the right decision, did he? She wiped at her eyes, chagrined to feel that her cheeks were wet with tears. 

“He better make this worth it,” she muttered softly to no one in particular, one standard month after her last time seeing him. She missed him with every fiber of her being, but she had to keep going. She had a baby to prepare for, and moping around certainly wasn’t going to pay for the bassinet, or the cute little clothing, or the amount of diapers that this child was going to go through in his or her lifetime.

Preparing for a baby was very overwhelming. 

“Or else what?” That familiar voice taunted, and she looked up with a tearful smile. There he stood, in all his glory, arms folded as he leaned against the doorframe with that crooked grin that still melted her heart every time on his face. She would like to say that she ran over to him, but it was more of a dignified waddle than anything else. 

“Or else I’m going to cry and cry and cry some more until he makes it worth it,” she mumbled against his chest as she flung his arms around his waist. “Gods, where have you been, Ben Solo?” 

“Around,” he replied vaguely, his smile turning sheepish when she fixed him with a deadpan stare. He let out a bark of laughter when she promptly smacked his chest, her eyes welling with tears. “What was that for, sweetheart?” 

“You’re the worst, Ben Solo,” she sniffled and buried her face in his chest, closing her eyes and inhaling deeply. He still smelled like spice and smoke, and she wondered if it was because she was imagining it or because he really did smell that way. “Why were you gone for so long?” 

“As much as I would like to show up whenever I feel the whim, I can’t. I’m subject to the will of the Force, just like you are.” He sounded clearly amused, his arms settling around her shoulders as comfortably as he could manage with her bump clearly in between them. “How’s the little one doing?” 

“As well as can be expected. I should be able to find out the gender soon enough.” She pressed a kiss to his collarbone, feeling his lips press into her hair in response. “I love them. So much.” 

“I’m glad.” His voice shook with emotion. “At least you’ll have some company.” She peered up at him and watched his features shift into something soft and sad. Her hand came up to cup his cheek, and then she was standing on her toes and straining to make her lips touch his. He ducked down to oblige her and allowed her to distract him for a long while with kisses and gentle touches. 

When she finally settled back on her heels, she was pleased to see how ruffled he was, lips kiss-swollen and parted as if he were begging for more. She smiled in satisfaction and pressed her ear to his chest. His heart was thrumming, beating a rapid pulse, and she wasn’t exactly surprised that she could hear it, even if she didn’t quite understand the underlying mechanics. 

“Anakin came and talked to me,” she said softly. “Told me a little bit about why you’re still around. How being a dyad means we’re two halves of the same whole.” Ben shifted and sighed, guiding her towards the bed and helping her climb in. 

“I guess I should’ve had that conversation with you,” he muttered, raking his fingers through his hair as he settled beside her. “I’m sorry, sweetheart.” 

“I just…wish I knew that you would come back at the end of…whatever this quest is that you’re on. Whatever quest the Force is sending you on.” Her voice trembled. “I really don’t like that you’re left in limbo during this.” 

“I know you don’t, Rey. Trust me, if I could ease your pain, I would.” 

“Ease my pain?” She furrowed her brow in confusion. “My pain stems from the fact that you’re not really alive, but you’re not really dead either. I want you to be one or the other.” Her voice cracked slightly. “If you could have peace, I would rather you have that than be stuck here with me.” 

“Has it crossed your mind that maybe I want to be here?” He asked with a serious tone. “That maybe I want to keep you company, even if I can’t control when I see you?” 

“So what, then? Am I just supposed to never move on? Never give my child a proper father? How am I going to explain all of this to them?” He looked flummoxed, but she kept going. “How am I going to explain how I can see you, but our child has the potential of being incapable of ever seeing you?” 

“I… guess I didn’t think that far ahead,” he admitted with a sigh. “Then again, I wasn’t exactly aware that visiting you one night in your dreams would get you pregnant. That’s entirely the Force at work.” 

“So, what, it wanted us to conceive?” She let out a humorless laugh. “I’m getting really tired of being subjected to the whims of the Force, you know. I just want to make my own decision for once, and I’d really like it to involve you being alive again. 100%.” 

“Sweetheart, you know I want that too, but the Force won’t show me what its plan is for me.” He sighed. “It won’t let me reach out to anyone else but you. My mother, Luke, Anakin, the Jedi Masters of old… all of them are out of my reach. I’m just as alone in this as you are.” He smiled apologetically. “I wish I had a choice in all of this.” 

“I….” She swallowed heavily, feeling a lump rise in her throat. “I’m sorry. You’re right. You’re not at fault any more than I am.” She looked down at the swell of her stomach and bit her lip as she considered something for a moment. “At… At the very least… We can make sure that the baby gets to know you in the Force, right?” 

“For as long as the Force will let me be here tonight.” He allowed her to guide his hands to the swell of her stomach, and his eyes went wide. “Stars, the little light’s bigger.” He let out a higher-pitched laugh, clearly nervous, and rubbed her stomach with his hand. “I’m sorry. That sounds stupid.” 

“It’s not stupid. You don’t get the gradual growth that I see day-to-day.” She smiled encouragingly and covered his hands with hers. “Trust me.” She closed her eyes and slowed her breathing, reaching out to caress the little light once more. “They’re always in a playful mood, if you want to get to know them that way.” 

“I think I would love that.” He pressed his forehead to hers and she could feel him using the Force. The light within her flickered pensively, and then it was wrapping around his presence with a trill that was more felt than heard, immediately pulling away in a teasing game of keep-away. Rey couldn’t help but laugh, and Ben’s laughter soon joined hers. 

When her body felt on the verge of falling asleep on him, he pressed his lips to her forehead, which made her whine softly. 

“Please don’t leave,” she murmured softly. She could hear the pain in his sigh as he exhaled. “I want you to stay.” 

“Unfortunately, the Force has some grand design that’s keeping me from you,” he whispered regretfully. She could feel the bond stretching taut, and she knew that her time with him was limited. She laced their fingers together tightly and shook her head. 

“You’ll come back to me, Ben Solo,” she murmured stubbornly. “Or I will fight the Force and drag you back myself.” 

“Bold words for a woman who’s pregnant,” he teased, but she could hear that he was equal parts amused and grateful. She nuzzled into his neck and sighed. 

“Let me fall asleep, then?” She asked softly. “Before you disappear? Just… Just remember that I chose you, Ben Solo. I chose you before Crait, and I’m not letting you go anytime soon. You got that?” She felt his head move as he nodded against her, and she held onto him tighter. 

It wasn’t long before sleep claimed her, and she was pulled under so deeply that she didn’t feel it when his form disappeared beneath her. She also didn’t feel his gentle shifting of her hands, something thin and round being slipped onto her fingers. She didn’t hear his whispered words that promised he would come back for her. She didn’t feel his lips press against her forehead one last time before he disappeared. 

In the morning, the glimmering ring on her finger was proof enough that he would come back, and there was nothing in the galaxy that could dim her smile. 

\-----  
From the realm beyond shadows, the figure watched as the scene played out before her. Eyes that were once blue faded to silver, hair that had emulated luxurious brown waves fading to a pale blonde. The corners of her lips split until she was grinning grotesquely from ear to ear. 

“Mistress, your plan is unfolding splendidly,” one of her many nameless servants bowed and grinned at her, but she waved him off with a flick of her fingers, her gaze still fastened on the would-be Jedi and her would-be Sith lover. 

Oh, if she could just get her hands on them… 

Her gaze strayed to the woman’s rounded stomach as the man disappeared, the babe within her settling down to rest as well. In time, the babe would be born, and it would be the perfect way to segue herself back into the galaxy, no longer a spirit bound to whatever paltry form she could manifest. 

No, by the time this baby was born, she would be restored to the galaxy once and for all, back in her rightful place. 

After all… the galaxy would always have a need for a Mother.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi, guys. 
> 
> It's been rough for me lately. Between all the COVID-19 safeguards and the fact that TROS has drained me in more ways than one... It's been a rough start to a year. 
> 
> BUT!
> 
> I am (hopefully) going to get back into writing this fic again. I think I'm in a headspace now that's better suited to tackling it again. Thanks so much for your patience. <3
> 
> Thanks as always to my lovely beta, who always knows exactly what to say when I need it. You're the best <3 <3
> 
> Leave some comments! Talk to me! Let me know what you're thinking!


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